Father's Day, Category: Grief

Published 6/7/26

On Father's Day 2020, I made the incredibly tragic decision to watch About Time. What could be awful about watching a beautifully made movie starring Rachel McAdams? Probably the part about it mostly being about a father/son relationship and the impossible nature of losing your father. Oh, and my dad had just died on March 30th.

Heavy in grief, I decided to get through a day I was dreading with a fave watch (sidebar: for very real, it's a great movie, please watch it), completely forgetting the actual bulk of the movie — I was just chasing the cozy high it usually brought me. That day, it broke me. I was already dreading Father's Day. I didn't need a full day to fixate on the hole in my life my dad had left; I lived that every day.

I had a really good dad

He was everything you could hope to have in a father figure. He never made me wonder if he loved me because he told me he did every single chance he got. I never worried about gaining his approval because I knew his love for me was deeper than that emotion; it was pure and constant. Even when he wasn't enthusiastic about my decisions, I knew he loved me. I knew he would care for me and build me back up when the world disappointed me.

My dad was genuinely curious about people and loved connecting on deep levels. If he asked you how it was going, you'd never be walking away with just a "fine." Why was it fine? What could make it good? Could he help?

I knew my dad was a special kind of human; I knew it wasn't completely the norm to talk to strangers in Disneyland lines for 30 minutes just because they asked you where you were from, but my dad did that — it was actually one of his favorite things to do, paying no mind to how humiliated the rest of us were!

What I didn’t expect to lose when he died

It came as no surprise to me that my dad dying was going to fundamentally change me. I knew I would feel emptier some days without him. What did surprise me was how unsure of myself I was. I doubted every decision I made. I thought I was the dumbest person in most rooms, and it took me a long time to see that I was so used to having someone build me up and support me that I didn't even notice how much I needed it. Every single time my dad got a Chatbooks email, I got a call from him. "Did you write this subject line? It's funny!" "Wow, Em, this is a really beautiful email." I had that kind of interaction with my dad so much that I just got used to it and didn't even know how much it did for me until it was gone.

Becoming the voice he used to be

Now I was 36 years old, trying to figure out how to build up my self-esteem and root for myself and give myself grace and every other part of life my dad had been helping me through. It was a steep learning curve, but over time I did start to feel better about myself, and by the time Father's Day 2022 came around, I realized that maybe the best way I could celebrate my good dad was being a positive voice for others around me. I could be more curious. I could help people around me who needed it. I wanted others to feel the kind of pure love that my dad helped me feel. I don't think I will ever be able to duplicate the ease with which he connected with people, but I can try, and I do.

So this year, I plan on not watching About Time. But I do plan on telling everyone in my life I love them and I'm proud of them. Then I'll put Jackson Browne on, dance around my kitchen, and probably cry because it's Father's Day and I miss my dad.