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39 Funny Parenting Jokes and Quotes That’ll Make You LOL

Parenting can be hard. Why not laugh as you go with these hilarious one liners!

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Parenting can sometimes be described as treading water and then being handed some cats. And no amount of book-reading or class-taking can prepare you for your first diaper blow-out or broken preteen heart. Being able to find the humor in the chaos can go a long way in keeping your sanity. After all, laughter is the best medicine, right? Check out this list of some of our favorite parenting one liners that hilariously (and accurately 😳) describe parenting. If you’re in need of parenting jokes and quotes, then hold on to your hat.

“No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.” —@LHLodder 

“88% of parenting is saying ‘it's bedtime’ 150 times between 8:00 and 9:00 every night.” —@SardonikTart

“Parenthood is a journey except it's just traveling from room to room putting away the same toys all day long.” —@OneFunnyMummy

“Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.” —@yoyoha

“You know you're a parent when you've washed yourself with baby wipes to save time in the morning.” —Anonymous

“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’" —Dana Snow

“Driving around at 3am with soft music on the radio isn't normal, but as a parent it is.” —@Batman1285

“My favorite part of parenting is after I drop my kids off at school. I’m kidding. It’s after they go to bed.” —@CallMeDraper

“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.” —Ray Romano

“Motherhood is an extreme sport. That’s why we have to wear workout clothes everyday.” —Anonymous

“5 year olds say the cutest things like ‘I love you’ and ‘hey mom when you just took your pants off everything was all jiggly and wiggly.’” —@DisCourt

“Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they'll materialize out of nowhere.” —@ThisOneSayz

“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lay down again.” —Betsy Farrell

“Hell hath no fury like a toddler who’s sandwich has been cut into squares when they wanted triangles.” —Anonymous 

“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.” —Nia Vardolas

“According to my kid, the perfect amount of time to stay at the park is five more minutes.” —@RockabillyJay

“I didn't realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo. That's still a very low number of rodeos.” —@SimonCHolland

“No one is more passionate about their kids back to school opinion than my friends who don’t have kids.” —@CydBeer

“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” —Jerry Seinfeld

“Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese.” —@mommy_cusses

“When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is ‘Please forget.’" —@SarcasticMommy4

“My kid is turning out just like me. Well played, karma. Well-played.” —Anonymous

“I'm just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.” —@LHLodder

“I'd love to be a Pinterest mom. But it turns out I'm more of an Amazon Prime mom.” —Anonymous

“It's like no one in my family appreciates that I stayed up all night overthinking for them.” —Anonymous

“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.” —Paul Reiser

"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing." —Phyllis Diller

“Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is: Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?” —@RobFee

“Having one child makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.” —David Frost 

“The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate.” —@BrianGaar

“Can’t find your kids? Don’t worry; sit on the toilet. They’ll find you.” —@MamaJessieC

"You can be a mess and still be a good mom. We are allowed to be both." —@KatieBinghamSmith

“Just because I'm a mom doesn't mean I'm not spontaneous anymore. Will I get out of these pajama pants today? Maybe... maybe NOT. You just don't know.” —@DivergentMama

"The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable." —Lane Olinghouse

“When a kid asks a sibling to play a game of tag, they're basically asking if their sibling wants to take a jog that ends in a fight.” —@ParentNormal

“Then suddenly you're a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE!” —@LooksLikeTutTut

“Before I had kids, I didn't know I could ruin someone's day by saying, ‘Get dressed, please.’ —@SarcaticMommy4

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip her jacket by herself." —@ksujulie

"The easiest way to shop with kids is not to." —@relaxingmommy

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